After experiencing three miscarriages, with one resulting in emergency surgery in less than two hours of starting bleeding, the second with planned surgery as the scan showed no heartbeat and the third being at home – I am no stranger to baby loss grief.

After attending the NHS miscarriage clinic, which for me was not the right path, I was lucky enough to find a private gynaecologist to investigate my miscarriages and find the best course of action moving forward. Altogether I was pregnant four times in two years and it was a hormonal rollercoaster that involved physical trauma, grief, relationship strain, financial strain, mental pressure, horrendous nausea and vomiting while pregnant and not to mention the anxiety of miscarrying during my last pregnancy. Holding my son after all those miscarriages was such a surreal feeling.

As part of my healing process after my miscarriages and before I had my second son, I published an article in a South Asian Magazine and ran a few talking circles within my Sikh community. Coming from an Indian background makes talking about miscarriage much harder because it is not talked about and often women are blamed and made to feel it is their fault. Some women had not talked to anyone in over a year and had carried this sense of guilt of baby loss for so long.

Where and how do we start to try and find the balance after miscarriage?

Soul Balance The loss is importance to us, although sometimes to others it may be invisible as they may not have even known that we were pregnant or are even on the fertility journey. I feel it is important to acknowledge our grief and give ourselves time to grieve. During this time if we can find something that makes our soul happy and not let the grief and fertility journey consume us. I would always remind myself that I am a mother to my first son and not be so lost in my grief, really be in the moment and cherish the time I had with him. If there is something that you can hold onto that gives you soul purpose and brings you into the moment whether it is spending time with a loved one, a passion or loving a pet – give yourself this time.

Emotional Balance I remember a week after my miscarriage, I was waiting outside the GPs office and I saw a mum playing with her baby. I said to myself ‘I am not going to cry; I am not going to cry’. By the time I was in with the GP of course I was in a flood of tears. I told the GP ‘no matter what I just can’t seem to pull it together and stop crying since I’ve had my miscarriage, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’ He replied ‘I am not surprised you just had emergency surgery, a miscarriage and your hormones have just sky rocketed down!’ When we go through a miscarriage it’s a sudden hormone drop. When you are on the fertility and miscarriages journey it’s like being on an emotional rollercoaster of being not-pregnant, pregnant, not-pregnant, pregnant, not-pregnant and pregnant.

If you feel you need support and help, it’s okay to want to talk to someone about your emotions, miscarriage and worries about getting pregnant again. There are some great associations like Miscarriage Association, Sands and Tommy’s that provide help and support. The Pregnancy Sickness Support charity assigned me a great support volunteer during my last pregnancy for my sickness and nausea. During the end of my pregnancy I had a counsellor from the hospital who helped me through baby loss anxiety which surfaced at the end of my pregnancy. Being able to talk to someone who understands what you are going through can help you through this difficult time.

Physical Balance Going through the actual physical process of miscarriage itself may not have been easy on your body. During my first miscarriage I passed out on the bathroom floor and was blue light run in the ambulance with a team of eight people waiting for me at the hospital. Tissue was caught in my cervix and I was experiencing extreme muscle contractions and I had to have surgery, I lost blood to the point of almost a blood transfusion. I was floored when I woke up. The recovery took me almost six months to bring my iron levels back and three months for my cycle to normalise.

After a miscarriage depending on the circumstances, you may feel mentally ready to try and get pregnant but you may not be physically ready. Make sure you take the doctor and consultant’s advice on when you can try to conceive again. There are gentle exercises that you can start with such as walking, stretching and yoga. (Only do the abdominal exercises when you are ready and on the GPs recommendation). Over the course of time, you can gradually build up your stamina according to your healing process and energy levels.

Happiness Balance When trying for a baby it is really easy to be in tunnel vision – when is ovulation, then using the six days early test predictor kit and just living from cycle to cycle. Feeling that pressure to conceive during the fertile period and everything just becomes robotic and mundane. After a miscarriage everything becomes even more amplified, everywhere you look the tv, work, park, functions and friends, there seems to be babies everywhere reminding you of the pain and grief. If you are an older mum like me there seems to be pressure mounting on your mind that time is not on your side.

I remember sitting opposite my consultant and he said to me ‘happy couples get pregnant more quickly and happy women who feel more settled have more chances to carry a successful pregnancy to term.’ My GP had said something similar to me previously. I knew the take away from this – being stressed can hold you back from getting pregnant, stress can affect ovulation and sperm count. If you and your partner are not getting along then you may not even want to share intimate moments.

Whether it’s the fertility journey, work or family – find ways to relax and de-stress. Enjoy time with your partner and do things that are fun together. Make a list of places you want to go to or restaurants you want to try and take turns to choose. Small things can give you joy, it doesn’t need to expensive or extravagant. It can be just be a Saturday morning walk to the local coffee shop. Fill in moments in your life that lift you up and make you smile and feel warm inside.

Nutritional Balance Making sure that we are supporting our bodies nutritionally is equally important as physically and emotionally. So how can help our bodies straight after miscarriage and find the balance to good health nutritionally?

Eating a well-balanced diet is important and making sure you are eating enough fibre, carbohydrates, fats, protein, fruits and vegetables in your diet. Eating rainbow colours – different colour plants have different phytonutrients and each colour has a different type of nutrient which benefits your health. Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables, and in particular foods that contain iron, vitamin C and folate.

If you had a lot of blood loss after your miscarriage then you will be wanting to bounce back to your normal energy levels. Eating lots of iron rich foods such as spinach, dark leafy greens, organic grass-fed red meat, lentils and chickpeas. Plenty of vitamin C will also help the absorption of iron, reduce oxidative stress and support your immune system. Adding some oranges or berries at the end of your meal or some fresh fruit juice can help support this. After my miscarriage my husband used to make me a fresh beetroot, apple and ginger juice everyday in the morning.

Vegetables such as spinach, dark leafy greens, brussel sprouts, asparagus and kale are high in folate which is important in forming red blood cells. Good levels of folate are also needed during pregnancy so it is important to build these levels up if you are planning another pregnancy in the future. Cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, kales, bok choi and cabbage are great in supporting the detoxification process and also balancing oestrogen in the body. You can pick and choose the vegetables you want to include in your lunchtime meals and dinners several times a week. A few broccoli florets can be added to your smoothies and a few bok choi slices can be added to a Chinese style salad and there are so many great recipes for kale.

If your miscarriage has especially been traumatic on your body turmeric and ginger have anti-inflammatory properties. My parents brought me up on turmeric milk with ghee (haldi- dud) 40 years ago well before it was heard of on the western market. Turmeric can be added to a milk of your choice with some organic grass-fed ghee or coconut oil and a pinch of black pepper to aid absorption. Ginger can be added to meals or if you are feeling nauseated after surgery it can be grated fresh into water or made into a ginger tea with any ingredients you fancy such as lemon, honey or cinnamon.

Eating healthy fats are crucial in hormonal balance and not to mention important in reducing inflammation. Reducing or stopping foods that contain unhealthy fats such as processed food, junk food and trans fat which promotes inflammation and including healthy fats such as avocado, olive oil, flaxseed, chia seeds and wild-caught salmon in your diet can help support this balance. Flaxseeds, chia seeds and walnuts can easily be included in your diet. Flaxseeds can be milled fresh everyday very quickly and added to breakfast, smoothies and salads. Chia seeds can also be soaked and added to breakfast or made as a dessert.

Magnesium helps in muscle relaxation and can help to improve mood. There are many natural dietary ways to include magnesium into your diet with spinach, legumes, avocados, tofu, bananas, pumpkin seeds and whole grains. Magnesium can also be found in dark chocolate if you want a treat.

We all know that we need to stay hydrated. Water has an important role to play in flushing out toxins, reducing constipation, reducing headaches, improving energy and also balancing hormones. Water is important for maintaining hormonal health. There are many ways to add flavour to water. Just adding a simple slice of lemon or some cut pieces of fruit into a fruit infuser water bottle.

Finding Your Balance If you have been through a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. I know the pain and healing it takes to move forward. All I can say is take it a day at a time, be kind to yourself and take care of your body, emotionally, mentally and physically. Find the balance that works for you a day at a time, a week at time. Spend time with people that hold space for you and do things that make your soul smile and bring you joy. Find moments that bring you happiness and bring you strength to move forward.

Aneet Women’s Health Coach & Clinical Hypnotherapist

Written by Aneet Alang